I can't shake it haunting me
Running off this Tuesday drain
Chin held high total feign
Right left jab smartly
Drowning in my own refrain
Pounding treadmills burning reign
Holding onto the lock box key
Running off this Tuesday drain
Racing round my own chicane
Limb and organ form chassis
Drowning in my own refrain
Finding solace in the pain
Tears and sweat bead salty
Running off this Tuesday drain
Fists extended made neuvieme
I am made maraging
Drowning in my own refrain
Running off this Tuesday drain
© 2011 by Tammy Newman. All rights reserved
My second attempt at a Villanelle for One Stop Poetry. Also tossing my hat into the Potluck poetry at Jingle Poetry.
you made it very well.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing with JP...
A++
I like the rhythmn here and the picture you build up. well done!
ReplyDeletehttp://jessicasjapes.wordpress.com/2011/01/24/dark-teen/
Tuesday is a bleugh day here too...ok so am I meant to be looking at form? It starts off beautifully in 8 measures gypsy, you're A1 and A2 are great refrains, the 8 beat is lost though in the following stanzas, I know how hard it is to keep to form having royally screwed up last week... I still think its a great poem and a fantastic effort xxx
ReplyDeletelove the rhythm in this piece.. here's my potluck for this week: http://fiveloaf.wordpress.com/2010/08/04/here-for-you/
ReplyDeleteWell done my friend... well done. I am still struggling with a first attempt.
ReplyDeletetuesday? i have to get through monday to get there...nice second attempt...
ReplyDeletegreat you gave it a second go tammy. i like the idea of drowning in the refrain - really cool. the meter would deserve a closer look. if you want a more detailed feedback, please leave us a comment over at one stop and luke or i will be back..
ReplyDeletegreat rhythm and repetition, the meaning comes perfectly clear :)
ReplyDeleteCongrats on executing a Villanelle. Makes me want to hit the treadmill.
ReplyDeletehttp://liv2write2day.wordpress.com/2011/01/24/boundaries-jingles-poetry-potluck/
Great rhymes here. love your end-words like feign/chicane/chassis (oh yes)/neuvieme/miraging... top stuff. You have many good lines and strong imagery throughout which compliments the aural devices you use so well (rhyme/repetition). The meter is pretty solid, but a couple of line stick out as not scanning the four you're going with -
ReplyDelete'Right left jab smartly' > this one in particular. It's just too short. It doesn't feel natural to force both syllables of 'smartly' to count as a stress. Suggest inserting a word like 'striking', like this -
Right left jab striking smartly > now scans four nicely
'Tears and sweat bead salty' > this one is a little sort of syllables also. To scan four it requires three syllables in a row to be stressed, viz -
TEARS and | SWEAT | BEAD | SAL ty
this feels forced. Simply making 'bead' into the continuous form of the verb - 'beading' - solves this lumpy meter problem here -
Tears and sweat beading salty > if you don't like this, suggest finding an alternative to 'beading' with two syllables.
One more thing - you have the word 'made' in consecutive lines -
Fists extended made neuvieme
I am made miraging
not ideal, really; could the first 'made' be replaced with something else?
Nice piece, you rocked it!
Hope this was helpful and all just suggestions, of course, to be taken or left as you feel appropriate
Luke
Thanks for the encouragement everybody it really wasn't an easy piece for me. I definitely tried to force the thought into the form. I love your suggestions Luke. And yeah you're right: repeating "made", not ideal. I think maybe the first one could could be "blade" instead. I'll ponder it more. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI like it.
ReplyDeletegreat job, villanelle is tough to master...that is the main problem with it (well with most forms except acrostic style)...you have to follow the form so closely that you may lose the idea/thought in the process...like wearing a size 6 pair of shoes on a size 13 pair of feet. You are just getting closer and better. Soon your feet will be assimilated (ha ha ha ha)...Happy potluck! :)
ReplyDeletehttp://lynnaima.wordpress.com/
And there's another one! How do you do it? It's really good. This villanelle stuff is tres dificile.
ReplyDeleteThanks booguloo. lynnaima, you are right it is tough to master...is that why it begins with "villan"? Giggle. And thanks kenny, I'm flattered.
ReplyDelete